#but whenever I create something and it kind of
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Lavender: Interludes
Set in Jackson post TLOU S1 in the Lavender universe by @justagalwhowrites, a few little scenes of Joel, Doc, and the fam in Jackson. Listen I am not pregnant, I have no desire to be pregnant, so I don't know WHERE this came from, but I love soft Joel healing from his trauma and finding love and joy in his family! Content: Reader is described as pregnant. There is smut. And fluff. And love. Grab some ice cream and your heating pads if you're in the same time of the month as me. Minors DNI. 3.6k words
I am not quiet about the fact that Lavender is one of my favorite fanfics, in my two decades popping in and out of various fandoms. Doc and Joel are my distraction and angst and comfort when I need it. Sometimes my imagination runs a little wild.... many many thanks to Kit for creating these characters and being totally cool with the fact that I wrote a little fanfic of her fanfic :D So here we go!
~~~
Joel had walked into the house late one evening, after patrol had gone long and he had to wait to give report to the next crew going out. He was extra antsy and wanted to get home, now more than ever. This was his last patrol for the next several months, as he would not need to leave the walls of the town during the last month of your pregnancy and hopefully not for a month or two afterwards. He would be put on extra shifts on guard duty or with the carpenter crew, but as long as he was within a quick run down the street or an ear-shot of someone yelling for him with news of you, he was fine with that.
Anyway, when he had come home, you had been standing in the middle of the living room, seemingly all the sheets and blankets from the house around you and stacked in a laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs. All of the glasses and mugs were sitting out drying on the counter, as well as the few baby bottles you had brought home from the clinic (just in case you had said, hopeful that you would be able to breastfeed). All of the lights were still on upstairs.
“Baby,” he said, matter-of-factly, “what the hell are you doin’?”
You spun around, holding a fitted sheet in your hands, fresh from the laundry line outside. The town was encouraged to use the communal laundry whenever possible, to limit wear and tear on the machines in the houses, but understandably many families had middle-of-the-night unexpected messes or heavy loads that they would do at home if the mechanicals still worked. The dryer in their house was still inconsistent, as much as Joel took it apart and banged on it and put it back together, it gave them a few good spins before shuddering to a halt again. Thankfully Tommy and Maria’s across the street was still functional, adding to the growing list of ways that he felt like he was in… well, a commune, with his brother as their lives and households continually overlapped, something he suspected would only increase after the baby was born.
“I think I’m nesting,” you answered back, looking around at the piles of fabric and wiggling your fingers in the sheets. “It seemed like a good idea to have all the linens clean, and then I was hand-washing some things in the kitchen, so it seemed like a good idea to clean off some of the dishes and things we haven’t really used, they were kind of dusty and I didn’t want it getting in the bottles…” you trailed off and sighed. “Ok, it looks ridiculous, but trust me, it needed to be done!”
Joel wasn’t about to fight you on that, as much as he worried about your health and safety in what he viewed as an extra-fragile state, it seemed like you had come even more alive with an extra vivacity throughout your pregnancy. Even when you were throwing up, or cranky with hormones, you were even more feisty. Which was saying something, considering all the times you had verbally sparred back in Boston, along the road to Jackson, even back when you were taking care of yourself and your grandmother all alone. “Ok, well… can I help you?” he asked. “Seems like you got it in hand, but please don’t tell me you’ve been carrying laundry around all day.”
You waved your hands again, corners of the sheet scrunching around your fingers. “Ellie put up with me for a while and did the heavy lifting with the wet things. She wanted to go out for the evening, though, so it’s just been me and the folded piles tonight.” You looked around as you tucked the corners across and into each other, neatly snapping the sheet and folding the edges in. “I guess if you can take these all back up into the closet upstairs, then it will be mostly done.”
You looked around at the folded pile in the basket, mentally cataloguing your task, before seeming to snap out of it and look back at him. “But you just got home! I’m so sorry, blame my brain for being wired towards this.” You waded through the piles and threw yourself into his arms, even with your stomach grown with his baby, still fitting in just right where he could wrap around your shoulders and your back and you could lean into that space against his chest. Joel ran his hand up and down your back, around your side, warm palm against the place where your child grew. You hummed as he kissed the top of your head, centering himself as he always did when coming home on your scent and the warm gravity of you in his arms.
“Why don’t you go up to bed?” he murmured against your temple. “I’ll get the rest of this. You’ve been on your feet a lot. Please go lay down? I’d love to just… be with you tonight.” You nodded, tipping your head back to kiss him. He anchored himself to you, the press of your lips against his.
“I’m glad you’re home,” you said, squeezing him again before stepping away and looking around at the living room before walking upstairs.
They had been in this house for several months, well-established in Jackson, but he couldn’t shake the nighttime routines yet, circling the first floor of the house, checking that the exits were clear, locked, lights off, locking his rifle in the downstairs closet, keeping his sidearm in the nightstand next to his side of the bed. He heard you moving around the bathroom and treading the hallway into the bedroom. Thankfully, Ellie came home not too soon after as he was finished folding. She shrugged and tilted her head with an eyebrow raised in a nonverbal I don’t know, man, it wasn’t my idea. He handed her the basket and wordlessly gestured up the stairs. She just as silently tilted her forehead against his arm as she passed in a greeting and good-night, and they trooped up the stairs together. “Good night, Ellie!” he heard you call across the hall.
He showered, washing off the road and sweat, before climbing in bed behind you, already nested in your structure of pillows. “Mmmf,” you murmured, nestling back into his chest. He traced the line of the back of your neck with one hand and looped his arm around your front, resting on your stomach. You traced the back of his hand with your fingers in the dark. It didn’t seem to take much, even at this stage in your pregnancy, and soon you were bringing his hand below the slope of your stomach to that place between your legs that seemed so much more sensitive nowadays.
“Baby,” he murmured in your ear, “you gonna be ok? Don’t want to hurt you…”
You moaned quietly as his fingertips traced your clit, leading down to your center, tracing your entrance and just dipping inside. You gasped and tilted your hips, moving your leg to open that space for him. “Please, Joel,” you breathed, trying to be quiet, mindful of Ellie down the hall. “I trust you, I know you won’t hurt me, I want to feel you, please…”
He kissed the space below your ear, the scratch of his beard tickling the back of your shoulder. “Don’t gotta beg for me, sweetheart, always gonna give you what you need.”
Urged by your own hand, he felt the wetness from your entrance already, dipping his fingers in to coat them, coming back to your clit, warm and aching. It didn’t take long for the pressure from his fingers, alternating between circling and lightly pressing on your sensitive areas, before he felt you throbbing, heard your tiny gasps as you tugged on the corner of your pillow, thrusting your hips back into his as he brought you to your edge. Even after months of your reassurance that you knew he wouldn’t hurt you, had never done so, and you still obviously wanted him, he waited for your cues. He tried to ignore his hardening cock, but your thrust backwards had nestled him into the soft flesh of your ass, so warm and delightfully more from pregnancy, and he couldn't help as he rocked against you. Even as you came down, you pushed his hand back towards your center, hitching your top leg up to rest on his, reaching behind for his hip, holding him close.
He ran his hand down your leg, gripping your thigh against him as he moved to push himself against you, the heat and wetness from your center drawing him in. He lined the tip of him with your center, your body grasping to pull him in, as if promises over decades and the proof of your love growing inside you weren’t enough. He stopped only long enough to ask, “this ok, baby? You feel alright?”
You whimpered, tilting your head back towards him, and he ran his nose along what he could reach of your jaw, kissing the side of your neck, breathing against the edge of your ear. “Feels so good, please, don’t stop,” you whispered, rocking just so the tip of him slid in. He closed his eyes, focusing on the feel of you around him, pressed against him, as he slid inside you from behind. You bit your lip to stop from crying out, rocking back into him with abandon. He had to focus to stop from coming immediately - how could he not, the softness of the most round, plush parts of you pressed against his body and in his hands, your warmth even more enveloping. He focused instead on the lines of your body, kissing your shoulder, gripping your hip as he thrust in and out, syncing with the rocking of your hips. His hand slipped around your front to the top of your legs again, circling and rubbing against your clit. You were so lost in your pleasure, grasping at the blanket in front of you, and he wanted this to last as long as you needed. Unable to see your face or kiss you, giving himself into your body wherever you would take him, he used his words instead, punctuated by his own groans and pleasure. Words of praise and promise, your beauty, the sensation of your body, goddess that you were, holding both himself and your child together deep inside yourself.
-finally, “oh, fuck, there you go baby, I can feel you, so ready, come on-” and you turned your face down into your pillow, breathing heavily, as your body fairly shook with your orgasm, clenching and rippling around him, and he held on tight and rode it out with you, thrusting up once, twice, one more time until he felt himself come apart deeply and at home in your body.
The two of you lay together in the tangle of blankets and blankets, now kicked down around your legs and askew around you, his chest heaving with deep breaths against yours. He felt you melt into the mattress. After a moment he checked himself, not wanting you to need to move, and cautiously lifted an arm to brace himself against the mattress. You made a little noise and tilted your head back against him again. He reach in front of you and sat partway up, leaning over you to kiss you at an angle, reassuring you, and himself that you were still alright, that he hadn’t hurt you or pushed you too much in some way that he would have no way of knowing about, his memories of the only other pregnant woman in his life so far distant and embroiled in its own tinge of sadness and self-doubt that none of it was to be trusted. Only you, here, your daughter for all intents and purposes down the hall, the solidity of this house, was what he could count on.
He kissed you again and nuzzled against your forehead. “Lay down, baby, I got you. Need anything?” he felt you shake your head and settled against your pillow. He smiled. You often had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep as you advanced in your pregnancy, but something about the release of sex would turn you into goo and put you to sleep afterwards almost right away.
He carefully sat all the way up, leaning over you to reset your pillows where you liked them, against the pressure of your knees, hips and belly supported against the mattress, under your arm, one against the small of your back. When you were tucked in and covered, he quietly stepped down the hall to fill your glass of water and set it down next to you, checking again the lights outside and the door to Ellie’s room, before sliding carefully back in behind you. Not able to get as close through your fortress of pillows, he rested an arm along your hip, breathing in the scent of your hair that always seemed to end up draped across his pillow.
He heard you sigh and shuffle, and was about to ask what else you needed, before you spoke quietly, through the cloud of sleep he knew was almost ready to carry you off. “I love you,” you murmured into the soft darkness of the bedroom. He leaned his head forward, resting his forehead on the space between your shoulderblades, just behind your heart. “Love you so much, baby,” he whispered, squeezing your hip, before sleep claimed you both.
~~~
Joel and Tommy watched as you and Maria talked in the living room of Tommy and Maria’s house after dinner, while they stood in the doorway of the kitchen drinking whiskey, judiciously keeping the scent of alcohol away from your pregnant self and Maria’s breastfeeding. Well, Tommy was watching Joel as Joel watched you shuffle on the couch, gently positioning yourself to rest your lower back. “She doin’ ok?” Tommy asked, trying to catch Joel’s eye.
Joel glanced over at his brother like he was unaware they were even in a conversation together. “Oh- yeah. She said her legs and back are starting to get real tired. Tried telling her to rest more, but you know her, says moving is actually better and she doesn’t want to leave the clinic yet.”
Tommy nodded, knowing this brand of his sister-in-law’s stubbornness and resilient streak. “You ever try doin’ the thing where you stand behind her and lift up her stomach?”
Now Joel was really looking at his brother. “What?” he asked. They didn’t really… talk girls. Joel did his best when Tommy was growing up to have The Talk (that went pretty well, living embodiment of the consequences of Joel’s actions usually screaming in her high chair in the background of those conversations when Tommy would be headed out the door to pick up yet another date) as well as trying to make sure his brother was generally a respectful and polite person to a partner, but other than that, they didn’t really talk about the ins and outs of each other’s relationships. Until you. Even way back when, yours and Joel’s relationship had been more real, more recognized, tangible, than most other things in his life.
“Yeah,” Tommy said, “you know, like you’re gonna hug her from behind or somethin?” He demonstrated in the air in front of him. “Get your arms around her and under her stomach, towards the bottom, where Maria always said was the most sore because it was heavy, stretching out some muscles, and just-” he linked his fingers together, glass carefully balanced in one bear-paw of a hand- “hup.” He demonstrated gently lifting a beach ball in front of him.
Joel watched his brother looking like he was trying to hula hoop in the middle of his kitchen. “Sure it doesn’t hurt her?” Tommy laughed and patted his brother on his arm. “Be gentle, man. Naw, Maria loved it. Would have walked around behind her for the whole last month for her if I could’ve.” Joel nodded, regretting already the time he missed in his brother’s life, refusing to accept his new marriage to Maria, blocking out the thoughts of his brother becoming a father, when all his brother had done for him was to step into Joel’s own life and take on Joel’s burdens as his own. By the time Joel and his girls had made it back to Jackson, several months had passed and Maria had already given birth.
Tommy patted his arm again. “She knows you’d do anything for her. Maria and I will, too. Need a babysitter or an extra hand when it’s time, just holler.” He gestured with his glass towards their window that overlooked the street, across which your home with Joel was softly illuminated by the front door light, waiting for you to come home. You caught Tommy’s movement out of the corner of your eye, looking up and smiling at your husband and your brother-in-law together again, as they should be.
The next day, you were walking slowly around the house while getting ready for a shift at the clinic. You were still the only doctor in town, though they had gained a few additional staff that, while not quite trained as well as you’d hoped nurses would be, were improving as medical assistants and able to triage and take histories and help with physical exams. One of the more senior nurses who had been in town for a while had taken on the heavier medical work before you had arrived. She had taken to your education and you had recently “graduated” her from your unofficial training and dubbed her a nurse practitioner, only needing to sign off with you on certain types of cases. The extra help meant that at least you could sit more and slow your pace to see a few less patients, but for now you said your brain and your energy were fine, and you weren’t going to let a few bodyaches get in the way of being present for the people who needed the knowledge that only you had.
Joel watched as you stood in front of your dresser, choosing which top to go over your precious few pairs of pants they had found to be modified with a maternity band. You sighed and rested your hands on the small of your back, leaning just so, trying to stretch - well, everything.
Joel begrudgingly remembered his brother’s words, knowing he was going to be eating shit for a while, Tommy being more of an expert in the “pregnancy and infancy caregiver in the apocalypse” duties. Joel still had him beat in the teenager department at least. For now, though, he walked up behind you to kiss your temple, slipping his arms around you as he often did to trace the contours of your body, holding your hips or placing a palm to feel the baby.
“Wish you would call it at the clinic, baby, I really do,” he murmured.
“I know,” you sighed, “not yet, though. My mind feels fine. I’m taking it as easy as I can there, I promise, and you know I’m in the right place if I need anything.” You looked down at his hands gently circling your stomach. “I know by now it’s useless to ask you to not worry, but please, take it easy on yourself, too,” you said, placing your hand on his.
Joel wanted to bury his face in your hair, carry you to bed, hold on to you and rub your feet and bring you tea for the next four weeks. He didn’t deserve you, mindful as you were towards his worries and the health of the entire town. “You’re askin’ for the impossible, babe, you know that.”
You laughed lightly. “I know. I can try. At least I didn’t leverage doctor’s orders this time.” You tilted your head back, resting on his chest. “I’ll take a few more days, keep making some plans with the staff, and see how I feel later this week. ‘kay?”
“ ‘kay,” he echoed. You moved to step forward and reach for a dresser drawer again, but Joel followed and gently tugged you back against him. You opened your mouth to softly protest - you did need to get moving, after all - but Joel slid his hands firmly under your stomach, warm and sturdy, and without even realizing what was happening, you felt the pressure in his hands increase and a blessed lightness spread across the top of your hips and your pelvic muscles.
Joel leaned back just slightly, the weight of your belly in his hands, and he heard you make a noise he had never even heard you make in bed. “Oh God,” you groaned, drawing it out in a soft sigh. “I didn't even realize how much that- please don't move, I just want to stay-” you let your arms drop, thoughts of a shirt vanishing as you let yourself be cradled in this temporary, bodily gravity defying relief.
Joel wanted to chuckle at your words, but the deep instinct to simultaneously protect you while bringing you so close, around him, be inside you, kicked up again. He could only rest his forehead on the crown of your head, remind himself that you were here and whole and healthy, and marvel at your innate strength and abundant spirit to allow your body to be changed for him and for your family. He would always strive to be worthy of you, he knew that now. For now, that meant standing quietly in your home together, swaying gently, holding you and your child, your whole universe in his hands.
#cas reads#tlou fanfiction#lavender#joel miller x reader#pedro pascal characters#the last of us#the last of us fanfiction
51 notes
·
View notes
Text
Maurice didn’t wasted any time to thrust his length a bit deep inside Kari’s pussy to make her get used to this position. He gave her all the time she needed before he started to pick up the pace to go fast and deep now, while leaning his head to whisper something on her ear.
“I know that Yolei is your DNA evolution partner, but… I’m giving you all of my ‘respect’ to you. Will you give me all of your ‘light’ to me, Kari?” He started to create some kind of talk about their crests while he continued to make love with the brunette from behind, in pure doggystyle. “Let’s make our crests, the strongest of them all whenever we fight together, please.”
@thecrazyone1990
Closed RP w/@mauricest32
Kari Kamiya is seen in her place as she got ready for her date. She couldn't wait to go out and hoped it will go well, especially if she can get him to her place after. As she puts on her outfit, she saw how tight her shorts were around her butt, along with her shirt tightening around her chest.
She could have sworn they still fit her. She should have gone out and buy some clothes before her date.
She hears the knock on the door and goes to open it. "Oh hey! Sorry, I was um just getting ready before you got here," she replied to her boyfriend.
@mauricest32
77 notes
·
View notes
Text
‧₊˚✧ ❛[ zali-senpai!! ]❜
ft. vezalius bandage x f! reader — krisis, nijisanji en
╰₊✧ zali is finally a senpai & gets particularly attached to a certain kouhai┊0.9k words
note: i’m not writing for the real streamer, this is a universe where they are streamers along with whatever occupation their lore follows contains: a little smut at the end!! dom zali & sub reader┊reader is part of ttt & a princess who wears a dress, innocence kink, and implied virginity loss
➤ author's note: so i came up with this idea when ttt debuted and wrote it all in one day… yeah it’s been a while. reader is a princess because… zali calling you princess and him being your prince charming…
senpai! vezalius bandage who’s the most excited out of krisis to finally have kouhai after being considered the babies of the group for six months, now being the predecessor of the ninth wave that contained a cleric, a swordsmaster, a kunoichi, and a princess. he’s just so thrilled, already having his card in hand to buy the available welcome merch to support the newest wave and spamming his twitter with comments about how cool you all were during your introductions to the viewers.
senpai! vezalius bandage who absolutely loves it when you refer to him as such, making his heart skip a beat and the butterflies in his stomach go ballistic. sure, he feels happy when the others call him that too, but the way you say it makes him feel an emotion that’s indescribable (it’s actually a mix of horny and puppy crush, but he doesn’t know that yet). it makes heat rush to his face and dust his handsome face with a pale rose which he just blames for not being used to the honorific, causing him to get teased by his own genmates when they catch on.
senpai! vezalius bandage who always gives great advice, willing to tell you all of the embarrassing moments he had just so that you could learn from his mistakes and breaks down everything complicated so that it’s more simple to understand. he’s always there to remind you to drink plenty of water and get plenty of rest because he knows how hectic the first month of debut is. if it ever gets too much, feel free to call him whenever and he’ll help you sort it out!
senpai! vezalius bandage who thinks you are so cute when you follow him around like a baby duckling and watch as he shows you the ropes of streaming with wide sparkling eyes, he has to stop himself from giggling at how you seem so fascinated by simple things he does daily. he’s even cooler to you because of his job as a hero who heals those in need, something that you wish you could do as a princess for the people of your kingdom. he inspires you so much to donate both time and money to charity, helping out those in need in the best way you can.
senpai! vezalius bandage who you did your very first collab with outside of your genmates, spending the better half of the game talking about how amazing he was helping you out and how the other three were jokingly jealous at how much attention he was giving you. anyone with working eyes and ears could sense the immaculate chemistry, a ship name was created the same day and was flooded with artwork the next. you would never admit it, but you check the tag almost every single day while lying in bed and kick your feet blushing with each new post.
senpai! vezalius bandage who knows that you have little free time between the busy debut month schedule and your normal royal duties, so he makes an effort to sneak you away for some freedom because what kind of awful person would he be if he didn’t look after the well-being of his kouhai? being a hero gives him lots of experience when it comes to sneaking around, so getting past the guards and to your bedroom window is a piece of cake!
senpai! vezalius bandage who will play the guitar and serenade you in the garden, singing love songs to get you all flustered under the moonlight. he would have never thought a gorgeous princess like you was so inexperienced in romantic situations like this, but he’s more than pleased to teach you all about the wonderful world of love your strict life has never allowed you to know.
senpai! vezalius bandage who adores how big your eyes get and how flustered you become when he steals away your first real kiss, not the half-assed peck you received from some prince when you were little under pressure, a kiss which made your heart flutter and made you feel desired. he can’t but giggle at the way you looked like a deer in headlights and radiated warmth from how flustered you were.
senpai! vezalius bandage who plays the gentleman and leaves it there for the moment, not wanting to rush into anything too quickly even though he could already tell you were subconsciously rubbing your thighs together to relieve the little ache the simple kiss gave you— god, you were so cute he could just eat you up. not yet though, he would leave you hanging just for tonight and take care of himself when he gets home.
senpai! vezalius bandage who can’t keep up the act for very long, not when you’re an angel descended from heaven and so close to him at all times. it takes about a week at the very least before you find yourself pinned down by him, his hands trailing up your frilly dress and his tongue shoved into your mouth exploring while he relishes your pitched little moans.
senpai! vezalius bandage who thinks you’re even cuter when stuttering out a weak “zali senpai~” while he presses you into the wall and fucks you from behind at an erratic pace, his gloved hands maintaining a strong grip on your hips to help you stay upright since your legs were on the verge of giving out under you— not stopping until you’re seeing stars and your legs are shaking so that he can carry you around afterward <3
#📜. her works#vezalius bandage#vezalius bandage x reader#vezalius bandage smut#nijisanji#nijisanji x reader#nijisanji smut#nijisanji en#nijisanji en x reader#nijisanji en smut#krisis#krisis x reader#krisis smut
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#sigh I will delete later#but regarding anger#I keep telling myself not to feel this way#beating myself over the head#because with so many things in life I can cope#but whenever I create something and it kind of#I don’t know how to use the correct words#maybe I just wanted more maybe I thought there could be#but it just never happens for me which is FINE ok but I am#sad tbh and angry at myself for feeling sad#I get almost enough validation these days but with me back at writing#THE ULTIMATE validation machine#even with my love to tell stories#I hoped for just a little bit more but guess I needdd to try harder#nobody’s fault though that’s for sure#I just needed to get this out and once I am less angry at myself I will reread this and cringe#and then delete
1 note
·
View note
Text
Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep - A Fragmentary Passage
#kingdom hearts 0.2 birth by sleep a fragmentary passage#kh0.2#darkside#heartless#realm of darkness#my gif#i really do wish to learn more about these heartless#they're huge and intimidating although never particularly strong yet they still feel so significant#i'd like to think they're more than what they seem and are not just a reoccurring boss#waiting for the possibility to learn info on a very specific thing for an ongoing 20+ year old game series... agonizing#the fact that only this kind of heartless can create a giant evil ball of energy in the sky that consumes worlds means SOMETHING right?#whenever we have to fight one the camera always zooms out through the empty heart shaped chest cavity and i want that to Mean Something
173 notes
·
View notes
Text
The very funny thing about having finally recovered from depression after being depressed for literally decades is. Even though I'm no longer depressed. My kneejerk initial reaction when I get overwhelmed is like "fuck it time to die" and then, because I have spent a lot of time and intention and money on therapy, my IMMEDIATE next thought is "no you won't babe, eat some broccoli. Go for a run. Go see ur friends" and the moment I've done any combination of those things I'm like singing showtunes about how good life is. Like ok brain i understand you spent the last fifteen years in a critical state but maybe we can do the broccoli first next time. Vegetables before defaulting to Habitual Symptoms please.
#Mental health#depression#Suicide mention#It's like when you heal from an injury.#A while back I fucked up my knee.#Limped on it for weeks#And it hurt for longer#To the point where I was always mentally bracing whenever i stood up from a chair#Ready to hurt#So that when i “graduated” physical therapy#I was still bracing every single time i moved#Ready for it to hurt. But it didn't#And like. Will that injury still tweak a little sometimes? If I Don't Take Care Of it?#Yeah. But it's almost totally gone. And for months I was shocked every time I braced to hurt and there was nothing there#So when I get stressed i like. Preemptively brace to be suicidal#to hate myself and my life again#And then .... I'm kind of surprised when I... don't.#I know my depression is cured because i know what it feels like to be depressed. Just like i know what it's like to hurt.#And the absence still strikes me sometimes#the way the sun shines through a gap in the trees that's created when you cut down something diseased and dead.#And you're like. God rays. For years there was a shadow here and now there are sunbeams.#No-- there were always sunbeams.
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
just thinking thoughts
#hmm… sappy moment rn but#y'all have given me so much over the past few years and it helped me get through so much shit#like i never would've posted or continued writing if it wasn't for all the love i got on my stuff (or maybe i would yk but i wouldn't post#any of it)#and i've had so much fun creating all these stories and characters – ruin you cmi atrw c&f etc etc#like 3 years ago i never would've thought anyone would love these silly ideas my brain comes up with so much#support them and be kind about them and also give ME as a person so much love?? ykwim? like im not used to this much affection#but i'm so thankful :') i do feel valued here… and i hope life stays gentle enough for me to be able to finish all this#like to finish cmi and all the other stuff i want to share before i leave this place… i hope the passion never fades#and that y'all stick around too <3 that whenever i do leave some day i don't regret not finishing something#but go with a content heart and with the hope that my stuff will be loved even when im away and the blog's archived#y'all are amazing :') it was easier to hold on over the years truly#sigh yeah that's it.. this got very long i know but if you read it all – ily :') <3#maybe dl?? maybe not let's see
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey @real-life-cloud @thatsgaybro @lyricalvicki @tempestaurora @sweetietenya @greyladyblue @moumjn
we‘re either mutuals on my main (@pecuirlig), on here, or you follow this blog — and it looks like we all like krbk ! :‘)
first of all, feel free to decline <3
would anyone be interested in making a little krbk discord group or something? :‘)
as a casual fun hangout spot for people of similar ages (i think we‘re all 20+, most early 20s?), for talking about krbk (& maybe other ships/characters/shows etc too), sharing or talking about fics, or art, or whatever we want :‘)
i know i‘ve wanted to have a space like that for years tbh lol, since i haven‘t had the luck to meet anyone irl who‘s also into fandom or specifically krbk, back when tumblr group chats were a thing they weren’t very lively lol, and the krbk discord groups i‘ve checked out so far haven‘t had active members my own age.
i would be super happy if any of you might be interested too ! :‘) but i will continue to suffer alone lmao if you should not <3 (/lighthearted)
(btw— i‘m super open to other people joining this too, so please do feel invited if you are 20+ and you want something like this too ! i just only @'ed these people because there‘s been Some interaction between us already. not having @'ed you doesn‘t mean you‘re not welcome :‘) !)
#what i yearn for most often in my daily life is people to send drawings to#i‘ve started drawing and i get so happy when something works out imo & i send them to my friends and they‘re nice but they don‘t Get It lol#and although i don‘t know how brave i would be abt those; i‘ve had so many krbk thoughts over the years; like scenarios and aus and whatnot#i yearn to get happy abt them with other people; abt krbk#they bring me so much joy#i want to share it#i understand if you already have ppl for that or just don‘t want to for any other conceivable reasons; that‘d ofc fine#but i thought i‘d ask :‘)#((i would also rather have a group chat type of thing than post on here bc i get rly anxious about the content/audience type of thing; and#i don‘t think i could keep the good relationship i have with making stuff myself if i shared it on a platform. i want a little community;#and whenever i‘ve tried to create one here; it still felt rly distant and kind of lonely for me.#what i wish for is just a chatroom thing whatever where we can talk abt krbk lol; and it‘s comfortable so like hc differences and everythin#gets accepted and it‘s fine to share stuff however unfinished or unpolished or whatever it is and it‘s not about numbers at all#it‘s just a little group being happy about krbk hehe. if that sounds appealing to you; let‘s make one! :‘) ))
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
'don't ship that, ship THIS'
'why are people focused on THAT when they could look at THIS'
'bad media literacy nuance reading comprehension-'
'why is NO-ONE writing fic about-'
#Whenever I try to engage in fandom I wind up feeling judged and anxious#Idk if I'm getting old or if it's a general change in the landscape of social media#But man whenever I poke my head out of my group chat I just can't stand it!!!#Does anyone remember that fandom was supposed to be fun.#I sure dont#And for that matter instead of screaming into the void about no one making content of x#Why not go make it yourself#this has all gotten exacerbated by a certain popular food anime I will say#It really was more bearable when it wasn't popular#There's a certain kind of entitlement around about pointing the finger at writers and artists for not making a certain type of content#And it's like man!! People are only gonna create what we have interest in and not what the current fucking hot button pairing is#We are not being paid for it so if you want something specific you can do it yourself
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I NEED. TO DO. OR MAKE SOMETHING. PLEASE
#actually I haven’t had this overwhelming creative energy in a while it feels TERRIBLE thank you very much#okay the thing is. there’s like many things actually so I am going to go Explode in the tags now#the first thing that I am like painfully terribly aching to do is Write something#I talked about this the other day but like. first of all I haven’t added anything to my poems collection for a while and the other day I re#d this beautifully beautifully written story and now I’m like. INEED. TO WRITE A FUCKINGN BOOK#and then there’s also Knitting. a few months ago we impulsively purchased a bunch of knitting tools and now it’s just sitting in my house b#cause I tried it once and I couldn’t do it so I kind of. gave up. now suddenly I want to like. knit a scarf AND ITS EATING AWAY AT ME#I NEED TO LIKE. SIT DOEN AND WATCH A YOUTUBE TUTORIAL AND MAN I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT BECAUSE IM ON HOLIDAY#BUT LIKE. THERES A MILLION OTHER THINGS I WANT TO DO SO IF COURSE THE OPTION MY BRAIN PICKS IS#DO NOTHING AT ALL.#also this is a bit of a silly one but like. I have this long long loooong list in my notes app that I started in 2021#and it’s just Big words. and like. the thing is they used to stick in my brain. I used to be able to add them to the list and use it whenev#needed. now I just write it down and it’s GONE and that makes me want to put myself in an oven because WHY.#I NEED. TO BE THAT PERSON. WITH THE USELESSLY ABYSSAL VOCABULARY#SO I REALLY JUST WABT TO SIT DOWN FOR 2 HOURS AND MEMORISE AND STUDY BUT then again. my brain is all or nothing and#usually it is the latter#another thing is my sketchbook. haven’t added to that in a while and I want to do that but then I will have to wait til sunset or daylight#because I physically cannot create art with artificial electrical light. but then I’ll have to wait til tomorrow and#I really also want to go outside and just exist before I have no time to after break ends#so Yeah.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
like theres a lot of you nnow
#i dont really check my follower count often since i dont visit the actual 'activity' page much#and i dont think theres any other spot to view the total count? so it doesnt catch my eye often#i dont think i like to obsess over numbers. especially online#but ive more or less starting drawing again since last year january#and posting it too#sdjfsn thanks to the encouragement of both new and old friends mksfds#and the support and help ive gotten through it all has been insane#and im really happy i could manage to make a habit of it (drawing and posting). i genuinely love drawing. regardless of how good i am at it#ive always sucked ass at sharing my stuff with others though#mainly due to anxiety#even now whenever i post something i always close tumblr immediately cuz i dont wanna see other people interact with it mkss#and like. the amount of support and kind words ive seen is genuinely overwhelming#and i dont really know what to say other than like. thank you all for helping me. and being kind#its like. more clear than ever that i like sharing things with others. regardless of its reception#if one person is happy with the result (and that person can be me) then i dont mind the outcome. ive never had anything to worry about#so like. i hope i can repay your kindness through whatever i choose to create. because i dont think i wanna stop again#diary
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Karaites are not a were (there are probably around 50,000 of them today), and they aren't biblical literalists. Karaites still interpret the Torah. They do not try to read the most obvious meaning out of it (which is still interpretation), they try to read what would have been obvious in Antiquity (which is also interpretation). Community leaders may often be Ḥakhamim (scholars) who are consulted regarding the Torah, and in the past compiled volumes of different interpretations (most have been lost). However, the only exaltation they have, to my understanding, is as scholars, filling an advising role. Every Jew in Karaite Judaism is encouraged to study the Torah and interpret it. All interpretations are held to the same scrutiny. The interpretations I've read from Karaites can be very satisfyingly logical (such as the "Tekhelet is woad" argument).
They reject that the Talmud is equal to or above the Torah, and I've seen a few different opinions from Karaites about what that means. One person I've bumped into said you shouldn't consult the Talmud at all, but the stance on the official site for American Karaites is as follows: "Rejection of the authority of the Talmud does not mean that the Karaites consider it unlawful to consult it or to rely on it; it means only that they deny its heavenly origin and regard it as an original work of the Sages in interpretation of the written Torah, and therefore subject to the shortcomings inherent in any handiwork of mortal men uninspired by heaven." Not to be controversial or anything, but I agree with them on that point. Further, that which directly contradicts the Torah is to be discarded as a custom, which is a contention with some Talmudic interpretations.
The rejection of the Talmud wasn't done for shits and giggles- it was likely a political choice reacting to the introduction of Islam, or in reaction to the consolidation of power among rabbis and how difficult the Talmud and additional interpretations risked becoming to learn, preserve, and transmit. There's a reason Sa'adiah Gaon was praised because “Were it not for Sa’adiah, the Torah might have disappeared from the midst of Israel", and it is notable that he was also a major opponent of Karaites. We don't actually know, because figuring out the beginning of Karaite Judaism is hard- some say it was a dispute over the Exilarch position (which Karaites say is made up, and some contemporary sources lack mention of), we have a document from 641 (i.e. the previous century) mentioning Karaites in Egypt, some think they were connected to Philo, others to some other group. But you don't break off from a major sect of your religion for fun!
Further calling Karaites biblical literalists invites one to think of Christian biblical literalists, which really isn't the case. For example in some ways Karaite women have better protections than Rabbinic women- they can initiate divorces! And if necessary, a court could issue a divorce order by itself. Fundamentalist can be a more accurate term, but still implies something false- Karaites did not arise in reaction to modernism, secularism, liberalism, etc. Most religious scholars will tell you fundamentalism is a modern phenomenon. Karaites are a decidedly, very old community. Further, "fundamentalist", in most cases, is being used as a pejorative for Karaites, not intended as an accurate description. People who don't use eithef of these terms also like to use the word "extremist".
#cipher talk#There are definitely problems inside of Karaite Judaism because every group has problems but the utter lack of curiosity#And self assuredness that a community which has lasted for at least 1300 years and possibly more must be terrible and such entirely#There have been dozens of Jewish sects including ones that existed around the time Karaites start popping up in the historical record#None of them have lasted as long as the Karaites (usually because they were messianic sects and not in the modern sense#In the sense that their leaders claimed to be the Messiah or prophets and often promised to create an independent Jewish state#Or something else similar)#If Karaites were as horrible as how people talk about them people would just do something different like what happened with the other sects#It's a very annoying and kind of despicable attitude whenever I see a Hewish person say this about another culture of Jews#I've seen people say it about Sephardic culture as well as Karaites- you're dead roll over and assimilate to my thing
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
barton literally finding any excuse to be physically close to those who are, like, in his tight inner circle whenever he feels like he just cannot cope with things going on inside of his head or even on the outside by like... laying his head in his head in their lap / on their shoulder or something similar as they're hanging out. and whenever they're understandably confused by this, because this is the first time he's ever done anything like this, things only seem to get progressively more bewildering and maybe a little bit sad from there. and this is because he's just like ' hey, so i know this might be kind of a weird request, but don't judge me please. i'm just sooo tired of everything, so can you like... stroke my hair or something? '
and depending on whether they actually do it or not, i could imagine barton and this friend of his sort of forming this mutual understanding ( that's probably a mix of nonverbal and verbal ) that whenever he's feeling particularly bad or twisted up inside, he can come to them and just. curl up with them on the couch or something, like JSJSJ barton is honestly sooo confusing sometimes, y'all, because he'll actively seek out comfort from people he trusts in such a vulnerable human way but then he will turn around and kill someone in the most heinous way imaginable the next moment. like i'm currently going feral over this rn because WHATTT HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK but also... OUCH??? i'm not sure how to feel about this if i'm being honest because it definitely demonstrates that barton does genuinely feel thing's despite what some people might think but he's also a terrible person so
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#JSJSJS I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE JUST CREATED Y'ALL BUT I AM BOTH KIND-#OF SADDENED BY IT AND ALSO LIKE ' HMM BUT? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ONE MOMENT BUT THEN...?? LITERALLY DO SOMETHING EXTREMELY-#FOUL THE NEXT LIKE??? something ain't adding up here ' ☠️ JSJSJ i honestly think it might be the fact that barton is mentally deranged that#he is so confusing for even me the writer of him to figure out. like have y'all even felt like your characters hace had a mind of their own#before??? because i've definitely felt that way with barton before despite the facts. istg he is just like a cake-#INSIDE of a cake whenever it comes to how layered his psyche is. i mean i would definitely agree with the statement-#that wesley his bio father did NOT meet his mental or emotional needs as a child and that may have something-#to do with why he has moments like these? where he just feels like he can't help but be vulnerable-#around the people he trusts because that has affected him more than he probably thinks and made him prone-#to KIND OF clinging onto friends / family whenever thing's get really bad for him mentally and just wanting to be given some sort of-#comforting touch by them like a hug or like them stroking his hair as i wrote in this paragraph here?? idk BUT#he is one perplexing guy i'll tell you guys that much jsjsj
6 notes
·
View notes
Photo
😮
#whenever i see the whole ''let me help you qifrey'' thing in the spinoff i kind of giggle to myself#but im not going to pretend like im not someone whos like dude ...... about it#there is something incredibly interesting to me about how this spinoff - while silly - still manages to explore areas such as qifreys desire#to do everything himself and rejecting help as best he can. but in a much more mundane every day way#i dunno ... its just neat. like of course this is how qifrey reacts to something as simple as olly wanting to help him make dinner#hmmm. thinking#of course the spinoff isnt directly written by kamome (while still overseen by her)#but its very clear that the person in charge of creating is very much a fan. and cares. lol#help bro is literally sweating. whenever olly says something like this to him his entire life flashes before his eyes
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
another day another horrifying nightmare!!
#kind of enjoyed this one though it was rly horrible but very cool#was working on a remote island with a big platform that went from the surface to deep deep deep underground#like the lift took a few hours to get down and back up (through the ocean and the earth)#and me and this team were doing research on some weird things happening down there trying to figure out why they were happening#and i was largely hired for stuff on the surface but things on the island were weird#the whole team would be in a room and then you'd hear footsteps upstairs#you'd be talking to someone and then they'd walk into the room and the original one u were talking to would be gone#you'd see these. idk ghostly figures walking really slowly around#eventually the entire team is in the underground area me included#and the lift starts going up as if someone up there had called it. and we're all like <:^(. and then the door handle starts rattling#the lift room automatically locked whenever it was in use to prevent injury but we were in the bit just outside the lift#so the lift stops at the top and whatever's at the door is now banging and kicking at it. one guy on the team is having a full on meltdown#and the lift starts coming back down. by this point some team members are like. trying to find weapons in the room to little avail#and the lift arrives. totally empty. and as it does the door unlocks.#and the door handle goes down slowly. and then as if whatever was doing it suddenly ceased to exist it jolted back up#turned out by the end whatever was down there in the caverns was creating like. ever so slightly wrong clones of us#they had tapetum lucidum and something else kind of disconcerting abt them and they absolutely hated their original#but i hadn't been down there long enough to have one#but we'd seen little glimpses of them every now and then. sometimes u could tell u weren't talking to the right one#and one day everyone came back up and they clearly weren't right and none of them were the originals i could tell#and i snuck down there that night and there was absolutely no trace of their bodies. blood trails‚ a few teeth‚ but no bodies#decided i wasn't going down there again but it was still kind of horrible on the surface. the footsteps upstairs were still there#the ghostly figures were still there and id wake up to them in my room. 7 of them. same as the amount of team members. staring.#ANYWAYS insanely spooky dream v cool
0 notes
Text
gonna show u guys a little opalescent highlight hack i threw together today
rainbow gradient above your main figure (i usually have all my main figure folders/layers in one big folder, so i can clip gradient maps + adjustments to it!). liquify tool to push the colors around a bit. STAY WITH ME I KNOW IT LOOKS STUPID RN I'M GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS
THEN: set it to add/glow (or the equivalent in ur drawing program), lower the opacity a bit, and apply a layer mask. then u can edit the mask with whatever tools you like to create rainbow highlights!!
in this case i'm mostly using the lasso fill tool to chip out little facets, but i've also done some soft airbrushing to bring in larger rainbow swirls in some areas. it's pretty subtle here, but you can see it better when i remove the gradient map that's above everything, since below i'm working in greyscale:
more granular rambling beneath the cut!
u could also just do this with a brush that has color jitter, but what i like about using layer masks for highlight/shading layers is how simple and reversible it makes everything. i can use whatever brushes i want, and erasing/redoing things is super low stakes, which is great when i often approach this stuff with a super trial-and-error approach.
example: have u ever thrown a gradient w multiple colors over an entire piece, set it to multiply etc, and then tried to erase it away to carve out shadows/highlights? it's super frustrating, bc it looks really good, but if u erase something and then change ur mind later, u basically would have to like. recreate the gradient in the area u want to cover up again. that's how i used to do things before figuring out layer masks!! but masking basically creates a version of this with INFINITE undo bc u can erase/re-place the base layer whenever u want.
anyway, back to rambling about this specific method:
i actually have TWO of these layers on this piece (one with the liquified swirls shown above, and another that's just a normal concentric circle gradient with much broader stripes) so i can vary the highlights easily as needed.
since i've basically hidden the rainbow pattern from myself, the colors in each brushstroke i make will kind of be a surprise, which isn't always great -- but easily fixable! for example, if i carve out a highlight and it turns out the rainbow pattern in that area is way too stripey, i can just switch from editing the mask to editing the main layer and blur that spot a bit.
also, this isn't a full explanation of the overall transparency effect in these screencaps! there's other layer stuff happening below the rainbow highlights, but the short version is i have all this character's body parts in different folders, each with their own lineart and background fill, and then the fill opacity is lowered and there's multiply layers clipped to that -- blah blah it's a whole thing. maybe i'll have a whole rundown on this on patreon later. uhhh i think that's it tho! i hope u get something useful out of this extremely specific thing i did lmao
12K notes
·
View notes